I came across a word doc on my laptop the other day that was created in 2006. I opened it and found a rambling of my thoughts at the time.
I was lamenting the end of my marriage and labeling it a huge failure. I voiced envy over a friend’s marriage I thought was so perfect. I expressed frustration with my mother. I talked about how sad I was that Hannah was getting older. I ended it saying I thought I need therapy. That made me laugh.
I have learned so many things since then.
Currently, I have no feelings of regret about my divorce. Though I have examined the role I played, I no longer feel like it’s a mistake I can never recover from. In fact, I have learned to be super independent and now have trouble even imagining being married again. But I have a great life regardless.
The marriage I envied has since broken up. I learned not to compare my life to anyone else’s because everyone has problems. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. I have seen this lesson proven repeatedly.
My mom is gone now and I think of her everyday. Though she was not perfect, I take so many wonderful things from her. Now that I am older and wiser, I see her struggles clearly and know that she did her best. When we know better, we do better.
Hannah is almost 12 now and I hardly ever mourn little Hannah anymore. I see great things come with every age. I am proud of her and know that everything is as it should be.
And therapy. I made that statement as a dramatic ending for my pity party essay. But I did get some. Lots of it actually. And things have gotten so much easier because of it.