6:00am: Wake up and listen to Hannah whine about school/hair/clothes/face.
6:50: Drive to bus stop in pajamas and listen to Hannah whine about school/hair/clothes/face.
7:15: Drive back home while wondering if I should stop at CVS for candy. Resist.
7:30: Fix eggs. Eat right out of frying pan so as to avoid dishes.
7:45: Check Facebook. Feel compelled to click on article: Read about 9 Nerdy Actors Who Grew Up to be Hearthrobs. Wonder why Anthony Michael Hall is on there. Decide it’s fine.
8:00: Check email and review job listings which haven’t changed at all since the previous day. Wonder if I will have to become a Starbucks barista. Think that barista sounds cool. File it under “last resort”.
9:00: Take a walk with sister. Hash out latest quandaries. Feel double accomplished. Vow to carry motivation throughout the day.
10:30: Get back in bed with laptop instead. Feel justified as I am “researching” various items on Amazon that I cannot afford. Check Facebook. Like friend’s photo of her cat.
12:00: Make a wrap. Watch Roseanne reruns. Wonder why Becky #1 left the show. Ponder if she regrets it to this day. Decide Sarah Chalke was much better on Scrubs. Wonder if John Goodman ever fought with Roseanne and why I never see him on talk shows.
12:30: Try to figure out John Goodman’s age. Look him up on Wikipedia. Decide to Wikipedia each cast member.
1:00: IM friend and talk about King of Queens episodes. Realize there are two about layoffs—one where Carrie is laid off and one where Doug is. Try to decide which I like best. Carrie.
1:30: Look at list of calls I need to make. Make dr appointment. Decide that’s enough phone calls for the day. No need to overwhelm myself.
1:45: Consider going to grocery store. Getting dressed huge hurdle. Look in pantry—determine I can get one more lunch for Hannah from peanut butter, bread and only slightly shriveled grapes in fridge.
2:00: Check Facebook. Take a quiz to see which Disney Princess I am. Cinderella. Vehemently disagree to myself.
2:15: Text friend. Discuss how no, I didn’t get the job I interviewed for last week. Go over Everything Happens for a Reason script.
3:00: Have a snack. Think about volunteering somewhere in the community. Table the idea.
3:15: Decide most productive part of the day is over. Might as well watch Friends reruns.
4:00: Load dishwasher in last ditch attempt to accomplish something. Notice I have twice as many forks as I do spoons. Vow to use more forks going forward. Spoons only when necessary.
4:30: Pick up Hannah. Listen to her whine about school/hair/clothes/face.
5:00: Check email. Have an Etsy order to fill. More Taylor Swift magnets. Seems too late in the day to start project. Put on mental list for tomorrow. Preemptively pat myself on the back.
6:00: Heat up leftovers for Hannah. Eat some beans out of the can while standing at the counter. Notice floor full of crumbs. Do nothing.
7:00: Take a shower, but don’t shave legs. Because, why. Consider skipping conditioner. Chicken out.
7:15: Contemplate plucking eyebrows. Decide against it since percentage of time I leave the house + people I make eye contact with nowadays = much less than the trouble it takes to pluck.
7:30: Fold a basket of laundry while watching Extra. Feel like a winner.
8:00: Listen to Hannah whine about school/hair/clothes/face.
8:20: Go through mail. Actually look at ads. Consider clipping coupons. Don’t.
8:30: Stumble upon rerun of the Cosby Show. Google Bill Cosby scandal to see what’s going on with it.
8:45: Look at bank account. Think about what expenses I could cut. Hate doing that.
8:50: Check out Pinterest. Pin recipes (that I will never make). Pin DIY projects (that I will never do).
9:00: Listen to Hannah whine about school/hair/clothes/face.
9:20: Get into bed. Text with hot boyfriend. Discuss Hannah’s whining about school/hair/clothes/face.
9:45: Check Facebook. Watch video of Better Call Saul preview. Appropriately lower expectations for series.
10:00: Lie there and think of worse case scenarios. Eat peanut butter from the jar. Take sleeping pill.