#Throwback Thursday: You Seemed So Perfect On Paper, But Then We Had Date #2

Originally published 5/26/14

I keep thinking I know what qualities I would like in a mate, but the last two men really have me second guessing myself.

I met Mark on Match.com and he was nice, smart, funny, self aware (a big thing with me), a good listener, thoughtful and cute. Ok, I thought, this time I have all the bases covered! This is going to be easy.

Then the self awareness turned into him telling/texting me his every thought and insecurity. All day long. By the second date, he was asking me if I was into this thing long term (uhhh, I don’t know?) and then proceeded to tell me that he was just scared and insecure about where this was headed.

I always thought I was an open minded and compassionate person, but I found myself wanting to yell “Man up!” So, I’m thinking don’t share that stuff so early. It feels a little pressure-y and makes me feel like he lacks confidence which is a turn off. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s emotional well being if I decide to bow out on date 3.

So one night after a few drinks (nothing good was ever said after a few drinks), I said to Mark, “Mark, it’s good for a man to be sensitive, but they don’t need to express every single feeling and insecurity all the time…” Who knows what else I added to that way too informative comment. So we quit talking soon after. Shocker.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I met Adam. Again, perfect on paper. All the “right” qualities on the surface. He did almost the exact same thing Mike did. First date was awesome and then second date I felt like I should invite him to lie down on the couch and ask him for a copay.

I always thought I was evolved enough to let men get into their junk and not be put off. Turns out, it’s very offputting. It feels like they are constantly analyzing their baggage and then handing it off to me for checking. I can understand sharing things when you’re a bit into a relationship, but it can sure suck life out of the second date.

So. I don’t know what it is I should be looking for anymore. It obviously goes way beyond “perfection on paper”.

The Biggest Fight We Ever Had

One time I almost broke up with a guy over a game of Words with Friends. We had been dating about a year, with no noteworthy fights to speak of, when the word ‘qat’ threatened to destroy it all.

I had been playing WWF for a few weeks, he was a novice. However, since WWF is basically Scrabble, I felt we were on a pretty level playing field. Everyone has played Scrabble.

It was a tight game when I threw out Q-A-T.

He was all like, ‘qat’ is not a word! You never say qat!

I was all like, it is a word and who cares if say it! Everyone uses it to get rid of Qs!

He was all like, I’ve never played WWF so it’s not fair to use that word!

I was all like, what, I have to check and see if you know every word before I use it?!

It was all very illogical to me, yet I continued to argue. Over a game. For days.

He was steadfast in his position that I was a conspiring cheater…but I was equally stubborn in my defense of qat and my insistence that he was just an idiot at WWF. I got so loud and upset on our final phone conversation about it that, to this day, I wonder what exactly was pushing my buttons.

Why was I getting so worked up arguing with a person who has an obvious problem with losing? Why didn’t I just let it go and laugh off his poor sportsmanship? Why was I willing to break up (for real) with him over it? I still don’t really know. It was all very anti growing toward the sun.

Then a couple of days ago, it came up again. No, not qat. This time he was lamenting a contest his team at work had entered and lost. He said it was demoralizing, that they weren’t appreciated and now they were all on the boat to Bitter Island.

I immediately flashed back to Qat-gate. Like it wasn’t possible that the other teams just deserved it more! Like it had to be a personal affront to his entire career at ABC Corporation! Like he was a little tiny baby who needed his binky!

Contest   noun   con·test   \ˈkän-ˌtest\
: an event in which people try to win by doing something better than others
: a struggle or effort to win something

A contest, NOT UNLIKE A GAME, means there will be winners and losers. We all know that going in. And yeah, it sucks when you don’t win, but someone has to lose. If you can’t handle losing…if it raises your blood pressure that much…if it throws you into an ocean of rage….just don’t enter.

Now truthfully, I’d expect that I’d be able to pull off some empathizing and blah blah blah no matter how silly I thought it was. But I couldn’t. So while I don’t really understand the competitiveness and the sore loser-ish-ness of Mr X, I understand my reaction to that behavior even less.

As Hannah likes to say,  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

#ThrowbackThursday: Online Dating is a Pointless Endeavor With No End in Sight

Originally published 5/19/14
“Me. You. Tonight.”

Oh brother.

I sign in for 1 month. I sign off for 1 month. I sign in for 1 month. I sign off for 1 month. Lather, rinse, repeat. It’s a vicious cycle that begins with optimism and ends in loss of all faith in humanity.

Once you sign up, you’re immediately engulfed by a sea of profiles. None of which tell you anything. All blend together.

I love to laugh. Who doesn’t? I can go from jeans to dress up. I ponder if there are any men out there who stomp their foot and refuse to take off their jeans. I enjoy snowboarding, water skiing, rock climbing, surfing, scuba, biking, skydiving… Ok I’m already exhausted.

You begin to realize that online dating is both helpful and harmful. Advantages: quantity. Disadvantages: quantity. It’s way too easy to pass by an unflattering photo. Maybe one thing in their “About Me” turns you off. They don’t have this thing or that thing. And even though I am aware that this is a jackass way to be, I can’t seem to stop myself. I see one comment or observe one attribute or hobby and then start making up this whole story about that person.

Likes sports. I bet his whole life is sports and I do not want every Sunday swallowed up by football. Works in IT. I bet he has no sense of humor and is a huge know-it-all. Spend most of my time hunting and fishing. His politics are probably a nightmare. Love motorcycles. He couldn’t possibly be family oriented.

I try to look for people whose profiles show effort, like mindedness and a sense of humor. I’m honest in mine and forthright about the fact that I have a daughter. Still, once I find someone appealing, the invitations I get to meet are usually incredibly last minute.

Me: I’m free Wednesday.
Him: I have to move my kayak.
Me: Ok
Him: Tell you what…I’ll text you after I move my kayak and we’ll see if that leaves us time to meet up after.

Thanks for squeezing me in (maybe) and making me feel soooo special. And like I have nothing else to do but wait around for kayak movers. Pass.

So we all hang in a little bit longer…just in case…someone might have their kayak already moved and be able to plan a date…and maybe make that connection that will pave our way out of the world of online dating.

Until then, we keep growing toward the sun with our valiant efforts and never ending faith, open to…whatever happens.

photo credit: Cab over water via photopin (license)

It’s Just a Grain of Rice!

Have you ever held on to something so tightly that it was almost the end of you? Held on with a death grip to something that you knew you needed to let go?

I once read a story about monkey traps filled with grains of rice. The traps were planted where monkeys would find them and stick their hands in the just-big-enough holes to grab the rice. But their clenched fist prevented them from being able to get their rice filled hands back OUT of the coconut. The stubborn (and hungry) monkey would refuse to let go of the rice and were caught by the trappers.

I dated this guy once—a commitment phobe in hindsight!—who never wanted to “get serious”. This meant he was never to be counted on. This meant don’t ask him to do too many things. This meant don’t expect him at special events. This meant he reserved the right to be a disappointing mess anytime he pleased. It was in the contract. Our 4 year contract. Gulp.

This, of course, caused me to grip those grains of rice like they were the last ones on earth. I spent time trying to be good enough, fun enough, pretty enough, cool enough for him to want to stick around. Turns out, there was no one good enough, fun enough, pretty enough or cool enough to make him stick around. Because he had damage HE needed to tend to. It had nothing to do with me.

I finally let go of that rice. And I don’t miss the struggle.

What is your rice?

You Seemed So Perfect On Paper, But Then We Had Date #2

I keep thinking I know what qualities I would like in a mate, but the last two men really have me second guessing myself.

I met Mark on Match.com and he was nice, smart, funny, self aware (a big thing with me), a good listener, thoughtful and cute. Ok, I thought, this time I have all the bases covered! This is going to be easy.

Then the self awareness turned into him telling/texting me his every thought and insecurity. All day long. By the second date, he was asking me if I was into this thing long term (uhhh, I don’t know?) and then proceeded to tell me that he was just scared and insecure about where this was headed.

I always thought I was an open minded and compassionate person, but I found myself wanting to yell “Man up!” So, I’m thinking don’t share that stuff so early. It feels a little pressure-y and makes me feel like he lacks confidence which is a turn off. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s emotional well being if I decide to bow out on date 3.

So one night after a few drinks (nothing good was ever said after a few drinks), I said to Mark, “Mark, it’s good for a man to be sensitive, but they don’t need to express every single feeling and insecurity all the time…” Who knows what else I added to that way too informative comment. So we quit talking soon after. Shocker.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I met Adam. Again, perfect on paper. All the “right” qualities. He did almost the exact same thing Mike did. First date was awesome and then second date I felt like I should invite him to lie down on the couch and ask him for a copay.

I always thought I was evolved enough to let men get into their junk and not be put off. Turns out, it’s very offputting. It feels like they are constantly analyzing their baggage and then handing it off to me for checking. I can understand sharing things when you’re a bit into a relationship, but it can sure suck life out of the second date.

So. I don’t know what it is I should be looking for anymore. It obviously goes way beyond “perfection on paper”.
emotionalbaggage

Online Dating Is An Pointless Endeavor With No End In Sight

“Me. You. Tonight.”

Oh brother.

I sign in for 1 month. I sign off for 1 month. I sign in for 1 month. I sign off for 1 month. Lather, rinse, repeat. It’s a vicious cycle that begins with optimism and ends in loss of all faith in humanity.

Once you sign up, you’re immediately engulfed by a sea of profiles. None of which tell you anything. All blend together.

I love to laugh. Who doesn’t? I can go from jeans to dress up. I ponder if there are any men out there who stomp their foot and refuse to take off their jeans. I enjoy snowboarding, water skiing, rock climbing, surfing, scuba, biking, skydiving… Ok I’m already exhausted.

You begin to realize that online dating is both helpful and harmful. Advantages: quantity. Disadvantages: quantity. It’s way too easy to pass by an unflattering photo. Maybe one thing in their “About Me” turns you off. They don’t have this thing or that thing. And even though I am aware that this is a jackass way to be, I can’t seem to stop myself. I see one comment or observe one attribute or hobby and then start making up this whole story about that person.

Likes sports. I bet his whole life is sports and I do not want every Sunday swallowed up by football. Works in IT. I bet he has no sense of humor and is a huge know-it-all. Spend most of my time hunting and fishing. His politics are probably a nightmare. Love motorcycles. He couldn’t possibly be family oriented.

I try to look for people whose profiles show effort, like mindedness and a sense of humor. I’m honest in mine and forthright about the fact that I have a daughter. Still, once I find someone appealing, the invitations I get to meet are usually incredibly last minute.

Me: I’m free Wednesday.
Him: I have to move my kayak.
Me: Ok
Him: Tell you what…I’ll text you after I move my kayak and we’ll see if that leaves us time to meet up after.

Thanks for squeezing me in (maybe) and making me feel soooo special. And like I have nothing else to do but wait around for kayak movers. Pass.

So we all hang in a little bit longer…just in case…someone might have their kayak already moved and be able to plan a date…and maybe make that connection that will pave our way out of the world of online dating.

kayak